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Day 4

Breakfast: porridge

Lunch: Quinoa, boiled cabbage, green beans, and beets.

Woke to the distant sound for rain. We have about 30 seconds of warning before it arrives. This morning was a deluge — impossible to describe the sound — when it let up a bit I peed behind the tambo in the rain, face up to the sky, glorious.

My skin feels so soft. My hair is full and wavy - have no idea what I look like since I gave my phone to N to put in the “safe” -- which turned out to be a wooden box with a lock on it -- a couple of days ago. Not sure I’ll ever get a comb through my hair again but I put it in a bun and it’s not pulling so that feels good. Headache is finally gone. Body is a little lighter.

Broke into tears a little over porridge thinking of my family — I miss them. And still have week to go.

I might lose my mind with the incessant ukulele. Why does she have to sing at the top of her voice?

Mid-day: who know what time - lunch hasn’t come and it’s been days since breakfast.

The idea of having a calling or a purpose I suppose is yet another way the ego strives to make this real. You’re important. You have work to do that only you can do. When that is the farthest thing from the truth. Why would God or Love or Spirit or Source assign you a purpose in an illusion? The only point of time is to realize there is no point, and there is no time, right? That you can never get what you want here.

While unaware of this we may find a path that is fulfilling, rewarding, and helps others lighten their now loads — like Ken and Helen and Judith and Bill — that is maybe the best we can hope for — the peace of knowing we have served in some useful way while we let go of our attachments to this place, this dream.

The healing I want is the end of fear, the end of illusions. I want to see what can be seen, to know what can be known, beyond all doubt. I want to let her go.

Maybe there is no second meal today.

I want to be healed and whole and power full again.

Not on the shifting sands of who I was

But on the rock that is knowing who I am, what I am, and how I serve.

Lunch came: Beets. I hate beets. Quinoa, boiled cabbage, green beans, and beets.

I spent all day writing and swinging in the hammock.

The more peaceful you decide to be, the more peaceful your world becomes.

Nearly dusk. Time for Ceremony #2. Wish me luck.

continue to Day 5

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