Breakfast: who knows
Lunch: who cares
Last night I felt so yuck that I sipped a little bit of my purple plant and then tossed the rest of it onto the bush that’s been catching my toothpaste water. Not my best moment and then I had a weird night anyway — a night that was nearly exactly like being in ceremony, but without the ayahuasca. I’d sleep and have a crazy dream that would show me a million things, and then I’d wake up and it would poof! be gone. Then I’d go back to sleep for another round, same thing, only to wake up and find myself still under my mosquito netting. But the curanderos were here, there was a party nearby in one round, people talking nearby in another — I don’t know what this jungle magic is but holy shit this is fucking crazy.
Yesterday I put my stick outside my tambo to indicate I wanted a consultation with N — to ask some questions and thank him for the help at ceremony.
I want to ask him:
- what he said to me at the end of the last ceremony about being able to make it stop;
- the name of my purple plant
- what I should do about my headache - Tylenol?
- whether I should worry about the weird palpitations my heart is doing and
- about the spider in my ceremony dream. Last night I noticed that above my mat in the loft there’s a giant handmade dream catcher and in the middle of it is a big brown fiber spider. Jesus.
I feel like I’m slowly getting it, that this is what Jesus went to the desert for — to face his fears. And why Buddha sat under the tree — to face his demons. You leave your family and the distractions of normal outside life and you go deal with what’s on the inside, hidden in your mind. You die to yourself such that not a spec of darkness remains hidden from view. You cannot heal what you can’t see; you have to look at the fear to be free of it — you have to recognize that it’s not real and let it go.
In normal life I’m so busy pretending everything is fine that I can’t see my fears, so it takes something like mediation or plants or — I don’t even know what the other options are — to open up and be able to see.
Last night I went to bed repeating God is Love, God is Love, God is Love, to help remember that anything that isn’t love can’t be real. Isn’t real. It’s a figment of my imagination — a projection of my mind. There’s nothing out there than can hurt me unless I give it the power to hurt me. And though I was so scared of what seemed to happening in the experience, I never actually left the world physically at all; the medicine was just showing me what I’ve been hiding. Mostly fear. Surprisingly little regret. And no guilt to speak of — but maybe that’s a different plant.
I went out this morning before the mosquitoes woke up to move my piles of poop around the tambo further into the jungle, and found that they’d all been processed into dirt. Amazing.
Suffering is not necessary — and yet suffering on the level of form can be helpful to get off the wheel.
You’re confused about suffering. You suffer when what you perceive is not what you want or expect it to be; your suffering comes with being identified with the experience, instead of as the observer of the experience. You suffer because you think something you perceive has meaning and value, that it demands your attention and management.
Yesterday I thanked L for the help when he came to deliver the plant dieta — he smiled sweetly and said It is not a problem — what seems impossible becomes possible.
Of course he also said breakfast would change but it was just watery porridge. :)
And finally I understand why Buddha put those two fingers to the ground, and why Jesus said Get Thee Behind Me Satan —
- touching the ground is grounding enough to keep you from losing hold of this reality altogether
- satan is fear — get thee behind me, let me leave you behind. For you are not real or necessary, and I will not be tempted to believe otherwise.
N came just now for consultation. And I immediately started crying. I can’t stop crying. First the sweat and then the poop and now the emotions — let it go, let it go, can’t hold it back any more, let it go, let it go, … I’m fucking Elsa today. What else is there to purge? The great emptying out.
So many birds, so many voices.
It’s amazing that I did not let the experience in 2009 change my life any significant way, but used it, perhaps, to justify not growing, not changing, hiding from my fear instead. I saw this once a few years back but then apparently forgot, or put it out of my mind. But I must change now. I must. I must look at the fears and recognize they are not true. I must step forward into everything new.
If I stay generally this way, I need my memory back.
If I come out seeing differently, maybe I don’t. I’m not sure.
Things I left when they were hard:
Good American Kids
Public Affairs studies
Family of origin
Tarot and akashic records
So now it all makes sense. This is why I resisted therapy all this time — because I didn’t really want to look. I didn’t want to look at my fears so I spent all this time and money avoiding them instead.
I hear M singing now even when she’s not singing.
I need to cry, wail, maybe but can’t let it out.
I see that it’s emotion stuck in my throat - maybe like my Dad? Repressed emotions.
I need to let it out. I want to let it out.
I can see that I’ve spent my entire life hiding from pain, from my fear, pretending everything is fine. Now I am sitting naked in a rainbow hammock in Peru, and there is no denying it. I am miserable. This is miserable. My head is killing me. I cannot cry. I am not fine.
What is my calling ? I thought it was some kind of ministry. Is that what it is? The new gathering? I wish I could cry.
Better not to deny the experience than to try to fix it. To make it acceptable.
There are no laws but God’s.
I feel miserable. Mosquitos in my ears.
If you think you can, you can, he says.
This day is interminable.
Heed the call.
All of the things I was running from last night were not real; they were projections of my own mind. Why was I so scared of things in my mind? Why am I spending so much time today being afraid of things that happened in a dream, which a. are over, and b. have no actual reality? That's kind of sane, isn't it?
Tonight will be the same, whatever I perceive is of my own self. There’s no need to run away. I’m not really dying. Stay and watch. Allow and forgive.
Stay and watch. Allow and forgive.
Do not give it power to disturb your peace.
It is a choice the mind makes.
So why would I choose this?
Because you weren’t allowing what wanted to be. You’ve been resisting it.
Minister, therapist, medium, death doula.
What I lacked all this time was TRUST. Trust that what I wanted was for me. Trust that I could be someone other than who I thought I had to to be. There is no relationship without trust.
Time for ceremony #3. Wish me luck.