breakfast: rice with a partially friend egg.
lunch: green beans, mashed potatoes, green mush, and a hard boiled egg.
Holy crap what a night. Rainy and cool now; sun just up, birds singing.
I showered late yesterday afternoon and met L just after with my glass of plant tea. Then I went to bed at sunset, which meant I had hours to lay there before sleep would come. I started investigating various things in my mind and discovered this mind blowing idea: WE ARE IMMORTAL. We are immortal! A wave of light and energy swept through me when the force of that idea settled in: we are immortal. We can never really die. Ever.
There is nothing to fear, ever, because even if we die in this version of the game, like I experienced in ceremony number two, we will still wake up. We will always wake up. Because we are immortal. What we perceive as being outside of our selves is actually in our own mind — it’s all just experience. Like with the mushrooms and the ayahuasca. It can’t hurt us — it can’t make us scared, can’t make us guilty or sinful or bad, can’t kill us — unless we give it the power to do so.
I have been so fearful and so desperate to run from my fear and keep it hidden, that I am barely present in the experience any more, which is why I can’t remember anything. Because I am not surrendered to the experience, I am resisting it. I read that entire book on the way down and didn’t remember a damn thing. Read it while here and found it to be such a beautiful and useful story. Presence is the key, and presence is only possible in the absence of fear.
I’ve been falling apart in so many ways because I’ve been giving my power away in various forms for twenty years. Given my power away to the illusion instead of sitting in my center, or presence, or peace of God.
Peace and Presence and Power.
Maybe presence is power — when you sit in Presence you are power full — filled with the divine love and energy of the universe, of God. You are the very Presence of Truth in bodily form.
All the things I haven’t been able to look at — my weight, my finances, my mind, my future — all I could do was dwell in memories of the past where I thought I was safe. And somebody.
So after all that hits me last night I’m laying on my back on my mat, and I notice my body getting all tingly in the way that it does right before an orgasm, and for the next - idk, hour? I have the most surreal sexual experience of my life.
I read something somewhere about a woman “getting laid by the universe” and that’s pretty much what this felt like too. I don't know how to explain what happened, really, how I realized what was happening...
I let go and had like spiritual sex with a spirit? or I merged with my own spiritual self? What was this? Aside from glorious, I mean.
I mean really, centers of this body lit up in ways I didn’t know were possible. Sheer ecstasy again and again, wave after wave.
Let go, let go, I thought I heard, and to a point I could, but it was not the out of body experience of my very first orgasm, so maybe there’s room there yet.
In this version of bliss I rose higher and higher in my mind until I broke thigh the clouds again into the night time sky, lit up by the sun’s reflection off the moon. Then I had odd visions of walking a path with a headlamp on — like I was hiking at night — not sure what that was about — all the while my body is being lit up, opened up, by this unimaginable bliss.
Is this our natural state, our natural energy, a perpetual orgasm? Is this what the gurus are talking about?
I noticed my tension and let it go, merging into heaven, or ecstasy or whatever beautiful magic that was. I noticed that I kept thinking about the experience instead of letting go into the experience itself.
Megan visited my tambo yesterday and in retrospect I was surprised and mortified by the person I was in her presence, even after all this work. I spoke irreverently about the ceremony, and even semi-unkindly about some of the other participants; I like to consider myself a “spiritual” person and yet that is who I am.
Oh but that’s not who I am.
Like, I thought before coming here, that version of julie needs to die and be put to rest for good. I had hoped that the aya death would do that trick but apparently that is not the case.
Presence is the choice. Julie is dead if I am present.
M is a great teacher of presence.
I’ve decided to hold a little funeral today for Julie and the fear she holds. I will make a little coffin for my fear and all the ways it keeps me from begin present and power full. And then I will burn it.
Last night I walked with H to the other tambos — out to the road, turn right down the hill and maybe a quarter mile later on the right. I’ts a beautiful set up — each hut tucked on stilts into the mountainous hill side, candles glowing through netted walls.. Still very light out but already deep dark under the canopy of the jungle.
H talked of having trouble staying focused here - that his mind was consumed with thoughts of how his new dental practice is faring in Germany and of his mother. He said coming here was like traveling in a car at 250 mph for days or years and then throwing it into reverse without any warning. He spoke of his depression but that he had happy ceremonies, and was glad he came. We talked of mushrooms, how he had some in his fridge at home but was scared to do them by himself. I suggested a sitter. And then I jogged (jogged! In flip flops!) back home because I was scared to be in the jungle at night — which was the exact fear I was investigating in bed at the beginning of this journal entry.
I couldn’t figure out why I felt fear of the dark jungle after the experience of my own death — it was completely irrational, and because I wasn’t present at all. I gave my power to the illusion and let it disturb my peace.
Has my eyesight situation been symbolic of the same desire not to look at my fears? Do we stop being able to see because we don’t want to look? I remember seeing clearly for a while after the mushrooms and this seems to be the same; I can focus at this distance for the first time since.
All this time I’ve been hiding who I am from everyone because I am ashamed. Ashamed to have stagnated, ashamed to let all those blessing flow through, ashamed of being so seemingly incapable of this life. I have never felt this before, but can see it so clearly now. Hiding from my fear, hiding from my shame, in all the shiny distractions I’ve created along the way.
There is only divine love. You just have to allow that to be true for you. Become like the giant sea turtle: graceful, peaceful, effortless, watching.
Made my coffin out of drawing paper, decorated it with giant flowers of red, orange, black, and magenta, and filled it with all the pieces I am ready to let go: guilt , fear, shame, regret, uncertainty, doubt, lack, want, need, judgement, projection, desire? attack, defense.
Took out desire; could have added embarrassment.
I put the coffin on one of the candle holders and lit it inside the tambo, but realizing I might burn down the whole thing took it outside to the decking surround. I felt good watching it burn and I feel good now after. I said a little prayer while tucking each piece of paper into the coffin — maybe I allow the divine happiness, peace and joy of truth to fill me in every moment, while tucking sadness away.
RIP fearful Julie.
Later: Breakfast came a little while ago — white rice with a partially fried egg and it was so delicious I ate the whole bowl. That’s a first.
Then I lay down, face down, on my little floor couch, and slept, though the universe had its way with me again first. I wish there were words for this ecstasy, this feeling of bliss, but nothing comes close. My whole physical body thrumming, vibrating with this glorious joy, constantly on the verge of climax — is it the union of my physical body with my spiritual self? Is it cosmic power, the power M has been talking about t? It’s amazing and also like I want to sink down into it, dissolve into it and never reappear.
This is your power. I will show you how to use it. Learn to rest in it first.
I am One Self, united with my Creator,
At one with every aspect of Creation
Unlimited in power and peace.
I am the sea turtle, the elephant and the prairie grass
I am Divine Love and understanding
I am already.
I am ready.
Meditated for a while, moved through the purple flower to a white foggy cloudy place that had a bridge. Did not cross the bridge.
I am so filled with gratitude. May all beings be happy and at peace.
Two birds are doing a flutter fornication outside my tambo. Mostly red bellies, a purplish beak with blue and orange and pink around the eye. Long beak for the size of bid.
The brown butterfly on my sneaker yesterday is actually a very cool blue psychedelic butterfly — a hundred blue psychedelic eyes on her open wings. Sneaky.
Last night I was so excited about the discovery that we are immortal that I got up to go write it down, only to discover that a cockroach had made his way to the top rung of my ladder. I was so instantly fearful that I scooted back into my mosquito net tent, desperately tucking it in around the edges of my mat so he wouldn’t get in.
Which was hilarious and ridiculous of course because a. He’s just a roach, and b. I had literally resdiscovered that there is nothing to fear just moments before. So I laughed, forgave, and called him my Teacher. I did not, however, go back out, to write, or when I had to go to the bathroom much later. I just stayed up there freezing and with a full bladder.
And the universe had its way with me.
What do mosquitos do with all the blood they suck?
Lunch just came green beans, mashed potatoes, green mush, and a hard boiled egg.
Have I written about shame? I feel like I have but can’t find it. Oh yes now I remember. Such burning shame at now having it together in the least bit, rendering me unable to ask for help or admit that I needed it, and also desperate to escape the present.
I was trying to die so I wouldn’t have to admit my shame to anyone or look at my fears. Death often seems the only way out.
Turns out I did need a therapist this whole time :)
Every encounter is a holy encounter when you join with Spirit in the other person. It takes presence to do this.
Writing about your experiences - the journey to peace - will help others on their path, just like SS help you this week.
I am so excited for tonight, the last ceremony.
An ant crawled across this paper just now. He was kind of freaked out by the blue writing on the page; he refused to walk on it. It must have looked to him like something different and scary, when in reality it was fine and just the same as the rest of the page. But he was frightened and skittered around for a while until he found the edges, and even then ended up returning the way he came — off the page and onto the white sheet.
Just like us, I suppose. We find ourselves in a New Land, and become afraid. But it is okay, because it is actually all the same. We can go back to the comfortable for a while, but eventually we have to cross the blue letters and discover we are braver than we thought, stronger that we feel, and smarter than we think.
Wind the Pooh knew the answer all along.
And Glennon Doyle too, apparently. We can do hard things.
And Brene Brown - it is our shame that keeps us from being able to be vulnerable with ourselves and others.
I am tired of always thinking.
It’s so hot.
[Here the word “desire” is taped to the page. ]
I didn’t burn this one in the coffin. I had to look at it a little bit - was desire desirable or undesirable? Desire on the level of form for things of form, which are merely temporary appearances does not seem useful, though I do hold an intense desire to be united with the Love that God is. And that, I believe is good and useful.
Maybe all of these sexual dreams and exp of last night and this morning are really symbolic of that, this intense desire for completion, to be whole, to be beyond forgetting and fear, to remember that I am already one with God in every moment and for eternity.
I am already what I seek. I am already one with Love, one with the universe. Not at some point in the future, but right now in this very moment. I am.
That makes sense to me.
I know, or at least understand, that on one level I already am that, but I feel this longing so intensely — I will not let go of the desire.
I see myself clasped around another being (male energy ) clinging to it like a tree, my arms and legs wrapped tightly around while he inserts his member. [why did I write member? Penis is okay] I am holding on so tightly , it is joyous ecstasy unleashed every time I think of it — that feeling of being whole, of being filled instead of empty, but I have not experienced the climax just yet. Maybe we never do.
Divine union is the desire (heart)
My psych blue butterfly friend is back, hanging out with one of my sandals. Transformation happens when you least expect it, she says. Or at any time, I’m not sure.
I wonder what she sees in my sandal.
Ceremony is getting closer — sun is finally behind the trees behind my tambo.
My low sofa table that I love is made of two slabs of hardwood on the top - heavy as concrete for sure — and a base of four corners somehow secured to the floor with cross pieces. I slid the top piece closer to me to make for easier writing, tried to slide it as far as I could to ease strain on my neck and back, and when I did that, up popped a little cockroach, right on the middle cross bar, waggling her little antenna at em.
I reacted no better than last night, oh Jesus, I said, and slid the top back over as quickly as I could. Maybe I squished her but probably not. Funny how they’ve been right here, like right next to me, all along.
I think she is sleeping on my sandal now, wings spread wide in the afternoon sun. I wonder what she is supposed to look like from the top to keep predators at bay. A reptile of some kind maybe? I can’t wait to go home and read about her.
Remind me not to fall asleep by the sofa table again.